I attended a very good friend's wedding dinner several months back. You might say that it was an unconventional wedding dinner. The wedding couple had a short ceremony to take their wedding vows right before their guests were seated for dinner. And the bride wore red and then black...both very elegant gowns. And the highlight of the evening was the speeches made by each the bride and groom. There was no MC. The bride and groom thanked and acknowledged each of their friends and relatives, by name, for their presence.
In his speech, the groom, who is my friend, had the courage to reveal that he wanted to do the right thing and that he was taking a risk by going into matrimony. And it was a risk worth taking. And the bride’s aunt from New York who was seated in one of the main tables, stood up and asked that my friend, the new groom, treats her niece, the new bride, well or else…
On a lighter note, in the course of the dinner, both the bride and groom held a quiz to test the guests’ memory on who is who present and they had little gifts for the winners. I thought that was fun and there was laughter all round. And we played with sparklers, which to me was another highlight of the evening. The dinner ended with several of the guests visiting the bridal suite at the hotel where the dinner took place. And we had some more champagne and chocolate and talked a little bit more in a cosy environment.
Well the reason I brought up my friend’s wedding is because that same night, long after the dinner ended, it triggered thoughts in my head on what my ideal wedding ceremony would be like and what marriage meant to me. I realised that throughout my friend's wedding dinmner, amidst the friendly chatter and warm smiles, I was consciously observing each event as they unfold.
Why is it a risk to go into matrimony? And why is the bride’s aunt so protective of the bride? The bride has a job and is self-sufficient and had been staying on her own for many years before the wedding. These thoughts keep running through my mind.
The idea of marriage brings about different feelings for different people. To a person who is getting married the second time round, the thought may be, “Will it work this time?” To a concerned relative of the bride no matter how capable the bride is in looking after her self prior to the marriage, the bride suddenly becomes the little woman who is at the mercy of her husband. I’ve witnessed this mysterious phenomenon numerous times at other weddings. This is 2008, a woman who has a career, who is no shrinking violet, who has high self-esteem and speaks up for herself will continue to be so after marriage. These attributes do not suddenly dissapear when she gets married.
And why does main stream society continue thinking that it is the man's role to propose marriage. It is time we question belief systems that no longer serve both genders or take away a person's power. Both men and women are equal partners in a marriage. Both take personal responsibility in their roles in a marriage. If you wish to increase your personal power in a relationship take more responsibility for that relationship. So women, if you are single, I encourage you to take back your power. Let us drop this gender mentality. It has served us by separating us. If you are ready for marriage be the one reaching out to your partner with your proposal of marriage. By taking this challenge of liberating ourselves it enables us to thrive in our freedom. And have faith that the result will be extraordinary.
And let us review the traditional marriage vows. Do they hold realistic promises that any husband and wife can keep? Many people would have a hard time staying true to them or living up to them. Then why not create your own vows? Make promises that you can keep and are from your hearts. I invite couples who are planning on getting married, to do this as it is the most wonderful way to begin a life together. Be true to yourself and be true to each other. As a start, you may want to review the Marriage Statements made by Neale Donald Walsch, the author of Conversations with God, and his wife Nancy Fleming-Walsch. Till this day many newly weds turn to the Walsch’s Marriage Statements for inspiration.
And let us examine what a marriage is not about - gaining security, owning or possessing, controlling or restricting, demanding or expecting, manipulating, hoping what you want in life will be supplied by the other, finding your other half to make you complete, finding someone to give you love. To me, a marriage is about knowing that everything you need in life – love, support, wisdom, insight, power, knowledge, understanding, nurturing, respect, compassion, strength – are already within you and you hope to give these gifts to the other. And in doing so, you create even greater abundance. And marriage is a wonderful opportunity for you to discover more about yourself. This, I feel, is what marriage is about.
The reason that most marriages do not last is because people are looking outside themselves for the love and acceptance that could only come from within themselves. And, moreover, it is only possible to love another to the degree that one loves one’s self. So love yourself first. Fill your inner well with love and acceptance till it overflows and only then you are ready to love another. For it is only through the act of giving love that you set up the opportunity for yourself to receive love. And the love will be so complete, you will find the fulfilment you are seeking.
And why is it that people avoid talking about divorce when marriage and divorce are two sides of the same coin. Marriage is not a guarantee. Do not confuse the length of your relationship with its quality. When divorce is inevitable it is preferable for both parties to do it with integrity. Do it in a way where you offer friendship. Do it with wisdom and maturity. Offer your hand in friendship. And learn to forgive – forgive yourself and forgive the other person.
And no one outside the marriage has the right to pressure you to remain in a marriage. Do not feel guilty if the marriage cannot be saved and you decide to part ways. Guilt is the most useless human emotion. It has a very negative point of perception. And a 'failed' marriage does not make you a failure. It serves a purpose - it makes you wiser. We learn and grow from all our relationships. And every ending is a new beginning. Let this be your point of perception.
As for me? My well is overflowing. And I have much love to give.
My wedding? It takes place one summer day in June. The venue - a lush country garden overlooking the ocean. The pounding of the gentle waves serves as the orchestra and nature creates the backdrop. My favourite people are present to witness this sacred ceremony. Their children and their family pets are invited. Yes, it is a family affair, as it should be. The best part of the wedding? It’s when I see the brilliant smile on my new husband's face and the love in his eyes as he says his wedding vows. And a tear rolls down my cheek. That’s when I know that my heart is singing and anything is possible. I am home.
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